What on earth do you do when the school tells you that your child is bullying others? How do you cope with the fact that your child might be a bully? Bullying at school is an issue that many parents and children will have to face at some point in their lives. But it is how you as a parent respond to this issue that can have the biggest effect on your child
Bullying at School
Bullying at school has always received a lot of attention, both in the press, from teachers, parents and children themselves. Most schools have anti-bullying policies, specifying clear sanctions and processes, many children will discuss bullying in class, and most parents have some idea about how to recognise the signs of bullying and how to help their child. But for every bullied child, there is a bully: if it is devastating to discover your child is being bullied, to hear that your child is the bully is a shock that most parents find impossible to deal with.
Bullying at school is estimated to affect one in 10 eight to 13-year-olds. Marcus Muir is an Outreach and Development counsellor with the national charity Parentline Plus, and handles calls from parents on a daily basis. ‘Often parents have no real idea what their children are like at school,' he says, ‘and as a result many parents are shocked when they are told and have little idea how to deal with it.'
Why do children bully other children?
Bullying behaviour is usually a response to distress, so as well as finding out exactly what has happened, you need to find out which of your child's needs are not being met by you or by the school. ‘Try to help your child work out what is going on in their head and try to understand where they are at with it all,' Muir advises. ‘It's vital to remember that these situations are never straightforward and it is just as important to listen as it is to talk.'
Don't call your child ‘a bully' but talk about their behaviour: labeling can make the situation worse. ‘Once a child starts thinking ‘I'm a bully, I'm a bad person' they can quickly start thinking ‘I may as well behave badly' Muir says. ‘You can clearly condemn their behaviour, but always remind them that you love them - never leave them isolated.'
Most parents also wonder whether it is their fault, but the truth is that it is often impossible to tell. Children are strongly influenced by bullying in the family, and divorce, instability or bereavement can also all result in a child becoming a bully. However, Muir feels that it is essential to let the child take responsibility for his or her actions, preferably by apologising.
What happens if your child is a bully?
By law, all schools are obliged to keep an up-to-date anti-bullying policy available to teachers, parents and children. The policy specifies what the school expects from all pupils, how bullying will be dealt with, and the action the school will take.
Most parents are initially contacted by telephone, and asked to come into school for a meeting, possibly with the bullied child, and his or her parents. The first step to take is to sit down with your child and find out not just their side of the story, but also how they are feeling, and what else might be wrong. Muir points out that it is essential to take a deep breath and talk to them calmly. ‘If you start shouting and screaming, you end up being a bully yourself, thereby condoning the behaviour you are trying to stop,' he says. ‘Don't jump to conclusions and bear in mind that bullying can mask something more serious. You have to find out what has happened, as well as deciding whether or not they have been fairly accused.'
Once you have spoken to your child, when you meet with the school, you should be ready to listen as much as possible. It is vital to get answers to all the key questions - the who, where, what and when. Make sure you are familiar with the school's anti-bullying policy so that you know what to expect, and can explain it to your child. The school, together with the children and parents involved will then agree on a punishment that can range from an apology to exclusion, depending on the seriousness of their behaviour.
Solutions to bullying
Muir believes that the solution lies in including everyone. ‘Getting the child involved gives them control - they need to see the results of their behaviour and be part of the solution, rather than have a punishment handed out to them,' he says. Muir also points out that, although the whole experience can be very difficult, it can also be a chance for the family to take stock and examine any underlying issues. ‘There is nothing more emotive than our own children,' Muir says, ‘but this can be an opportunity to remind your children that you are there for them, and show them how they can deal with something emotive in a calm way.'
