Encouraging your child to be independent is a vital part of raising children to become confident enough to map out a successful life as an adult, but how much rope should you give them? Penny Palmano helps us unravel it all
Encouraging independence
Were the job of a parent a marketable position, how would the ad read? Perhaps something like: ‘Responsible parent required to love, house, feed, nurture and educate young child through to young adult. We expect the chosen candidate to be able to produce a well-balanced, independent young person who is capable of making his way in the world. Previous experience preferred but not essential. No salary.'
Fairly simple, just like animals who from day one teach their offspring survival, our task is to bring up our children to be independent. But not all parents find this quite so simple. The loving and nurturing seems to cloud the issue of helping a child to become independent. The over-controlling parent who makes every decision and fights every battle for their child will wonder why at 35, their offspring remain reliant on them for advice on almost every aspect of their lives.
So where is the dividing line between encouraging independence and being too clingy? Surely there is the possibility that as children develop at different times, some children will feel anxious and unloved that their parents are trying to ‘push' them along, and others will feel more cared for if their parents are over-seeing their every move?
Children very much dictate their spurts of independence and their times of anxiety and we as parents must ‘read' our child's needs and act accordingly - another skill we should have mentioned in the job spec!
Independence in Toddlers
Oh the darlings. They are called the terrible twos because this is their first battle for independence, running off from you, not wanting to be sat and strapped into their buggies, you know the story. This is the first time you hear the dreaded ‘No' word and observe the first steely look of defiance. And to avoid both these negative responses, this is the time to start encouraging independence.
Around the home give them small errands to do: dust a table, help lay the table, match up the socks from the washing. Firstly show them how to do it and then let them get on with it, without standing over them. Praise and thank them for their help, and if, for example, they miss an area whilst dusting, show them where they missed, don't simply do it for them.
If they do not want to hold your hand when you're out, put reins on them, and explain that you know they are old enough but it's just a way of not losing each other.
Ask their opinion on things. Don't imagine that just because they are two or three that they don't have their own opinion - which can be surprisingly perceptive.
Take the perennial argument over clothes, you want them to wear the pretty white dress and they want to wear their grubby sweatshirt and shorts. So to overcome this problem put out two outfits and ask them to chose. They will be happy because they feel they are in control. Independence is all about taking control of your own life, and although we know a child cannot yet do that, we as parents have to encourage the process.
