Childhood friendships - should you intervene?

Childhood friendships are such a critical part of growing up and school life, so when a disagreement leads to friends falling out it can end up affecting a child’s learning and desire to go to school. It is at that point that many parents worry whether to intervene or not, writes Danielle Weekes.

Most parents understand the utter misery caused when their child falls out with friends and go off school as a result. Many are desperate to help but worry about making the situation worse.

Should parents intervene?

In fact, a survey by parent support charity Parentline Plus found that parents didn’t know which way to turn or how seriously to take the situation, even though some talked about their children feigning illness or even refusing to go to school.

The charity reports that 57 per cent of parents said they would turn to the class teacher for help, whilst 30 per cent of parents said they would leave well alone in the hope that the problem sorts itself out. The remaining 13 per cent parents didn’t see the school as the way forward and said they would approach the other parents directly.

This can be a difficult call because parents can end up having cross words with one another, while, in the meantime, the children may have all made friends again.

According to Parentline Plus, what is important is to be able to recognise when the problem is more than a playground squabble and is beginning to affect your child’s education and wellbeing. 

While friendship is an important part of a child’s school life, particularly in early adolescence, it is natural for children to fall out and make friends again.

How do you choose the right approach?

Dorit Braun, chief executive of Parentline Plus says that 19 per cent of calls (the charity answers almost 117,000 calls a year) are about bullying at school.

‘We know that playground arguments can cause untold misery for many children, often making them reluctant to go to school,’ she says.

‘It is also a real worry for parents as they can feel helpless, torn between wanting to do something to help, whilst worrying that any action they take could make the situation worse.’

Primary school teacher Rosalind Walker believes that in most cases it’s best to let the friends resolve problems themselves.

‘Sometimes parents try to sort the situation out themselves, with the best of intentions but many go about it the wrong way and can be aggressive and confrontational with their child’s friend or the friend’s parent.

‘When I have noticed a child’s schoolwork dropping off because of a playground fight, I have spoken to both children separately and then encouraged them to speak to each other while I act as a mediator. In the majority of cases, they resolve the matter themselves and within ten minutes they are best friends again. It’s incredibly important to tailor your response to the severity of the fall-out and that you handle the matter delicately without apportioning blame.’

Tips for parents, by parents

• It is important that you listen to your child and reassure them that you love them and are there for them and want to understand their problems.
• Praise and encourage them which will help to build up their self esteem and give them the confidence to cope with these situations as they go through school.
• Arrange a confidential chat with the teacher or there may be a member of staff who has special responsibility for pastoral care. You could ask the teacher to keep an eye on the situation without making an issue of it at this stage.
• Some schools have some sensitive and innovative ways of handling this problem, such as using it as the discussion in assembly or having things like ‘buddy benches’ in playgrounds where children can sit if they are being left out and older children take responsibility for any children who use it.
• If the problem persists and you don’t feel it is being dealt with effectively by the school, you could ask for a meeting with the head or the chair of governors. It helps to write down all the questions you have and the points you want to make.
• Try to keep copies of any letters you send and a diary of where you have gone for help and information. Make the most of any invitations to meetings from the school or local education authority.
• If all this feels overwhelming ensure you seek support for yourself, whether it is a relative or friend or someone at Parentline, who you can talk things through with.

Parentline Plus runs an anti-bullying campaign called ‘Be Someone to Tell’and has produced a booklet called What can I do if my child is being bullied? The booklet can be downloaded from their website – parentlineplus.org.uk – or obtained via the free, confidential Parentline on 0808 800 2222.