How do you cope with being told your child has been bullying others? How do you respond and deal with your child? As with all aspects of bullying this is a very difficult issue to come to terms with. We offer some expert advice and support on bullying for all involved.
Claim your Free "Engaging with English Pack" containing everything you need to improve your child's reading and writing skills with a
cheap trial membership of My Child VIP.
In a survey of 3000 secondary schoolchildren, carried out between 2005 - 2007 by anti-bullying charity BeatBullying, a shocking 71.4 per cent admitted to being the perpetrator of a bullying incident.
For the purposes of the survey, bullying was defined as ‘being bullied twice a week over a period of six months and involving more than two types of bullying.’
As a parent, being informed that your child has been bullying another child is not an easy thing to come to terms with. You may feel defensive, that it couldn’t possibly be true, that your child’s behaviour or actions have been misunderstood; you may also feel confused and anxious for your child. What is important however is that you are prepared to meet and discuss calmly the allegations with your child’s school.
Why do children bully?
‘When children report an incident as 'bullying', teachers have to make a careful assessment of whether there is a genuine case or it is something more innocent, for example, one child accidentally knocking into another child in the playground,’ says general secretary of the National Association of Head Teachers Mick Brookes.
Children may bully others for all manner of reasons. In the BeatBullying survey, reasons given for being a bully included a fear that if they did not do it first it would happen to them; because their friends did it; or anger at another individual. A small number of children – two per cent of those surveyed - did it because they thought it made them popular. Peer pressure often has big part to play in a child’s motivations for bullying others.
BeatBullying’s chief executive, Emma-Jane Cross says ‘ Most bullying is low-level, perpetrated by young people who are easily led or incorrectly believe that it is inevitable, or worse still, that it makes them popular.’
There can also be some signs that your child is bullying. According to BeatBullying these can be divided into:
- Physical – if your child is using ‘strength/physical presence to intimidate, influence, and impress’ others
- Emotional – a lack of empathy or conscience, refusal to accept responsibility for their actions, and an overriding desire to be in control
- Behavioural – they may have low self esteem which they cover up by bragging, they may display low-tolerance for others, and reveal negative attitudes towards others
Although a child who displays these indicators may not necessarily always be a bully, they are nonetheless reflective of negative behaviours which may signify that something is not quite right with your child’s emotional health.
Bullying support - What can you do if your child is a bully?
- Approach your child about this serious issue. Discuss things with them and ask them to explain things. Unfortunately very often a child may deny they are bullying.
- Speak to your child’s school. Listen carefully to the teaching staff and be open to communication with them. Do ask to view the school’s anti-bullying policy if you feel it necessary. And don’t be afraid to ask the school for advice on helping your child’s behaviour, and strategies to help them cope with their difficulties.
- As parents it is often hard not to blame ourselves for our children’s behaviour. Do consider their experiences at home - have they been through an emotionally difficult time recently? Do you and your other family members model respectful, tolerant, positive behaviour to your child?
- Consider their peer group and who their friends are in school. Liz Carnell of Bullying UK says, ‘parents need to be careful and think about who their child’s friends are. They may go around with bullies because they are scared of being bullied themselves.’ If needs be, encourage them to make new friends, and involve the school in your concerns.
- Try to get to the bottom of their difficulties by spending time with your child. Encourage them to explain their behaviour and feelings.
- Give plenty of praise to encourage good, positive behaviour.
- Do agree some ground rules with your child on acceptable behaviour and discuss what might happen if they do not follow these rules.
Further information for dealing with bullying
There are plenty of charities and organisations who offer expert advice, information and support on bullying issues – don’t be afraid to approach them.
Or if your child would prefer to speak to someone other than yourself, do suggest they give Childline a call on 0800 1111.
