My child hates school

Frequent weekday sickies can be a sure sign that your child is unhappy at school. Danielle Weekes looks at how you can support your child and help rekindle their love of learning

Pulling a sickie

Monday morning. You are rushing to pack the kids' lunches and get them out of the house on time. But the youngest is ill. Again. You've taken him to the doctor, who can't seem to find the any reason for the mysterious flu-like symptoms. He only seems to get sick on weekday mornings. You are beginning to suspect that your six-year-old's amateur dramatics - the tummy clutching and the shivers - can be attributed to one simple fact: Your child hates school.

We all want our children to be happy at school and when they're not, it can be extremely distressing. Sue Ormesher of Parentline Plus advises parents to first of all find out what is making their child unhappy at school.

‘It is important to show that you want to understand your child's problems as they will be more likely to open up to you,' says Sue. ‘Don't take it personally if he finds it difficult to talk to you; perhaps he will confide in a relative or trusted family friend instead. Try to keep calm and reassure him that you love him and just want him to be happy.'

Going into school

Most parents don't know where to start when their child is having problems and school, but educational reforms have made it simpler for parents to be directly involved in their children's education.

Mum-of-two Suzie Walsh from Manchester discovered that her children's experience of school depended on the attitude of their teacher.

‘My ten- and five-year-old sons used to hate school,' she recalls. ‘The older one had a very bad year in Year 4, because his teachers teaching style just didn't work for him, and she misinterpreted his questions as cheek. In short, she just didn't like his personality. I approached the teacher on numerous occasions, but nothing improved until he got a new teacher the next year. Looking back, I wish very much that I had been stronger.'

With her younger son, Suzie decided to shadow him in the classroom for a week to see his interaction with his teacher and his peers first-hand. ‘I noticed that the teacher was not giving him a chance to speak and, as if in retaliation, he would become disruptive. Most schools are expected to allow parents into the classroom now, since schools are starting to change, and become more community oriented. I was able to see first-hand where things were going wrong and once I talked to my son about this and to the headteacher, we were able to make sure that he felt listened to.

‘It meant booking a week off work, and re-arranging things a bit, but I whole-heartedly recommend spending time in your child's classroom,' she adds. ‘If the problem becomes so serious that your child is faking illness to avoid school, as my youngest did, I would also consider calling their bluff and taking him to the GP when he says he is ill. If the doctor realises he is unhappy, they can also help with the communication with school.'

Bullying

But what if your child's hatred of school has nothing to do with their teacher but with unpopularity or more seriously, bullying.

Tim Francis, chartered educational psychologist, runs an online advice service for parents on at educationalpsychologist.co.uk. He suggests parents observe their children during playtime or lunch breaks.

‘This is usually easier to do in a primary than a secondary school. You tend to find that children with no friends are the ones who hang around the wire fence. You can help your child to better their social skills by talking to a teacher about implementing a buddy scheme, where more active children are assigned to those who don't find it as easy to interact. You can help them with their social skills training at home as well. These are easily available on the internet. Encourage your child to bring classmates home for dinner or for sleep-overs.'

‘If bullying is the problem, arrange a meeting at the school and make sure your child is included,' adds Sue. ‘It helps to write down all the questions you have and the points you want to make. Try to keep copies of any letters you send, a diary of where you have gone for help and information. Make the most of any invitations to meetings from the school or local education authority.'