White lies, black lies, big lies, small lies, tall tales, porkies, fibs - lies come in all sorts of shapes and guises and there are just as many reasons why children resort to them. Danielle Weekes sheds a little light...
Why do children lie?
‘Parents have about eight years from birth to teach their child the value of honesty'
In most cases, lying and dishonesty before the age of eight is not something most parents need worry about. Most academics agree that lying is a normal part of a child's development: most children will bend the truth at some stage for whatever reason.
Lies fall into four categories:
- exploratory lies to test reactions from authority figures;
- exaggerated stories to obtain social approval from peers or to avoid embarrassment;
- fantasy lies like fabricating an invisible friend;
- and, most seriously, cover up lies to avoid punishment.
What experts disagree on is the cause of lying in childhood. Is it a cry for help? An unconscious act? Or a deeper symptom of a poor parent/child relationship?
And if the experts can't agree on why children lie, how should a parent know when to intervene?
Should you be worried about your child lying?
The child's age and the frequency of lies should give you a good idea of whether there is a serious problem, says Dr Phillip Hodson, a fellow of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. He believes that parents have about eight years from birth to teach their child the value of honesty. ‘Children reflect the values of their home background up to the age of eight. After that they tend to reflect the values of their peer group.'
A sudden change in attitude in a child may also be a reflection of an internal emotional disturbance. Dr Hodson explains ‘Children lash out in different ways when they are angry and insecure.' ‘However, vindictive lying to get revenge or to create conflict, when done frequently, should raise alarm bells and may require professional intervention.'
Statistics show that children who lie tend to engage in other forms of delinquent behaviour like stealing or fighting. They also reveal that children who frequently lie, live in homes where parental discord, rejection and inconsistent discipline are the norm.
Worryingly, a 2004 report published in the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry found that things are getting worse: over the past 25 years non-aggressive behavioural problems like lying and disobedience have increased in 15 to 16-year-olds.
Expert advice
Internationally renowned child behavioural expert Bryan Post Phd, who is based in Oklahoma, California, believes that early trauma may also contribute to the more severe incidences of dishonesty, and advises that parents ensure that there is not a bigger hidden problem causing the child to act out.
Dr Post is a strong proponent of the attachment theory and believes that parenting problems should be approached with love rather than the intent to instil fear. Dr Post recommends, in the first instance, that parents ignore the lie and focus on the child, reiterating that no matter what their behaviour, you still love them. After a few minutes the parent should then approach the child again.
‘This always works better than punishment, which many children take as a form of rejection. Yelling at a child will only increase fear, which will lead to more lying. By showing love, you need not worry that you are taking a softly-softly approach; instead you are showing that you are willing to listen no matter what the truth might be.'
